Dolphin Noelle And Reflections on Motherhood

Since becoming a mom, a curtain of worry has dropped over my life. I live with a constant ache in the pit of my stomach. Nearly all of the things I find to worry about are unfounded: is Noelle gaining enough weight? Is she eating enough? Will she take her naps? Is she cold? Is she too hot? Should she chew her fingers like that? The list can get pretty ridiculous.

As one of my friends so astutely observed about her own little boy, "As soon as one thing clears up, there's another thing to worry about."

Just as I had gotten better from the stomach flu, Noelle got an ear infection. Just as soon as she got over the ear infection, she developed acid reflux. What is this constant anxiety that mother's have to live with? It's dizzying.

I had no idea the weight of responsibility motherhood is. Before Noelle was born I was wrapped up in thoughts of baby clothes and cuteness. Shortly after she was born, I remember looking at her from across the room and being utterly overwhelmed by her need. I knew that in one short hour she would need me to feed her, and then she'd need me to do it again just another two hours after that, and after that.

There was nothing I could claim for myself anymore. Not even the necessities like sleep and food. My needs were no longer priority, not becuase I was so alturistic, but because my daughter was so demanding. Just by essence of being a newborn.

The thought that I would ever take a shower again, let alone be posting blogs with adorable videos of my daughter squealing seemed like a mini-miracle.

Many have written about the role of motherhood with much more humor or gravitas than I intend to, but I will ask one question: Who dragged me into this underground society with all it's rites and rituals, with it's brutal and exhausting initiations?

Oh! That's right - me. I went willingly, but I won't say "knowingly." ;-)

The Legend I'll Never See

About two years ago, while I was still working at Screen Capital, I ran across a movie coming out in 2007 called "I Am Legend." I went to Wikkipedia and read a synopsis of the book, and was totally intrigued by the premise.

Now, I am no fan of zombie movies, or horror books. I hate, Hate, HATE to be scared! But after reading the wikkipedia synopsis, I was utterly taken with the plot of the _I Am Legend_ novel.

The revelation at the end of the novel was fascinating - even profound. It totally reverses on itself and makes the reader's paradigm shift! It offers another view of humankind. Just reading the synopsis blew my mind. I couldn't wait for the movie to come out. But at that time, I was going to have to wait another year.

*Stop* Editor's note: Lest you've seen this movie and think to yourself, "The ending isn't that great. What is she talking about? Please keep reading..*

So I went straight to the library to checkout the book. I got it home and started reading. I only made it halfway through the first chapter. Not because it was poorly written. Not because it was boring. Not even because it had pages torn out. No, I had to take the book back because it was scary. :-/

A few months past, but the novel kept working on my mind. That amazing twist at the end of the novel. That spectacular revelation. I wanted to see how the author moved the readers to that point. How he orchestrated the characters and action. So I found the screenplay on line and tried to read the movie version of the story. But I kept getting interrupted and was unable to finish.

Nearly two years later, the movie has been released. "I want to go see that movie but I think it's too scary," I told Dwayne a few weeks ago.

"Well, it's only PG-13" he said.

"Are you sure? I thought it was rated R."

"Pretty sure!" Dwayne said. Suddenly a glimmer of hope opened on the horizon. Horror films I can't stand. Scary movies - no. But PG-13 couldn't be that bad, right? Maybe, just maybe, I'd get a chance to see this plot twist after all.

Friday night my moment came. I went out with a group of girls to watch 27 Dresses, but the movie sold out and four of us were left without tickets. We stared at the ticker quietly.

"We could see Alvin and the Chipmunks" offered one girl.

"Or The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" said another.

We all frowned.

"Well..." I said hesitantly, "I've always wanted to see I Am Legend."

To my amazement the girls agreed to go. As we walked down the theater aisle we kept saying to one another, "It's only PG-13."

"Yeah, it won't be scary!" said one girl confidently.

We took our seats, the movie opened, and within five minutes my heart was pounding. By 15 minutes all of us were plugging our ears and closing our eyes. By 40 minutes one of the girls walked out.

Two or three times I almost got up to leave myself, but I couldn't go. "I have to see the ending!" I told myself over and over. I knew that if I didn't see this movie through to the end, I would continue to wonder about that fantastic ending for years to come.

So I stayed and I watched and I gasped and I jumped. The man sitting next to me and my friend said, "You guys are ridiculous! You keep jumping at the none scary parts!"

Finally, the end of the movie came. I waited with baited breath to have my mind blown by that profound revelation that had gripped me so many months before in the Wikkipedia synopsis -

- but it never came.

You know why? Because the writers TOOK IT OUT. They rewrote the ending to have a more mainstream, more popular movie ending!!

I couldn't believe it. All that heart-stopping. All that jumping. All those months of starting and stopping the story. All of it for nothing!!

I'm still left puzzling over that wonderful ending, and the legend which I'll never see.

No More Baby Stuff

Dwayne tells me I need to post more than baby stuff on my blog. So this post is dedicated to how awesome our new Macbook is. Look at the cool movie I made!;-)



I've started writing again. I look forward to returning to the land of adults and sharing my reflections in this space.